About Vikings, the Forefathers of the Hooligans

Scientists have found out that 80% of the British have common genes with the Norwegians. And since there are about 60 million British, that should be about 48 million people descending from the Vikings in Britain, as opposed to only 4.5 million in Norway. I know that the reputation of the Vikings in Britain is that they “raped our women”. Well, a few may be, but those 80 per cent actually tell that there either have been a 1000 year old cover up to protect rather promiscuous British women, or the libido of the Vikings were something… few Norwegians have got today.

And as for the nuns they supposedly raped in Ireland. Most of them had actually been given to the convent because they’re parents couldn’t afford to take care of them. And now pretend that you are a young, Irish girl of this sort. Would you go with a crew of rather tall, blond and good looking guys back to the cool city of Lade (Trondheim, then the capitol of Norway), or would you prefer to stay put with the bold, fat guy in a draughty and moist convent? And we know what catholic monks are like today; there is no reason to think they behaved any differently in those days. And as for the “barbaric” Vikings, what do you think your history would be like if it was written by Irish monks? Besides, they only raped pretty nuns (that’s why girls in Trondheim are so pretty today).

In a mosque in Istanbul that used to be a church, they found runes cut into the banister at the top gallery. For many years they couldn’t say whether it was made by a Viking or what it said, but when they did (they carbon dated the wood or something and of course an Englishman cracked the code of the runes), it changed the history of the Vikings a bit. It said “Håvard was here” (like the first Kilroy ever)!

I picture Håvard being a young shipmate, bored stiff with the sermon taking part in a foreign language seven stories down, so he takes out his pocket knife and tags. A more modern Viking (Hooligan) would in this instance take out his spray can and tag something similar on the church ceiling, I imagine. But thanks to the “tagging” of Håvard, we now know that the Vikings were literate, since even people who had to be that high up (the further down the posher the people) could write. And from thereof the scientists have deducted that the Vikings were cultural people!

I am not sure the same is going to happen when 1000 years from now the archaeologists are coming across some of the signs in Britain that we find hilarious. Like with the Vikings, not all British are Hooligans. Most of them are in fact like a kinder, better mannered and more polite Norwegians, and most of the time the pubs are filled with people like that. But since other things than nice families eating dinner out, well dressed elderly Englishmen having they’re one or two beers and little old ladies chatting with they friends, obviously is happening on the weekends, these people find themselves surrounded by signs like “Do not let your children bother other guests”. So we watch well dressed, well manned and obviously prosperous English people with they’re children and wonder when are they going to send they’re kids over to bother us? Or pick flowers from the hampers (“If you want flowers, don’t pick them here”)? Or try to find another way of opening doors than using the handle (on exit pub door “Press handle down to get out”)? Or climb up in the ceiling to touch the red hot heater (“Do not touch heater, it’s hot”). Or just litter (with what? One normally gets both glasses and china plates in the pubs. There is nothing there to litter with)?

Other scientists have through research on twins found out that the characteristic we humans are most likely to inherit is our sense of humour. And if anybody should be in doubt as to whether the Norwegians and the British are related, check out our humour. It is the same in both countries, a fact most English people find quite amazing when they come here, and something we enjoy when we are in England.

It’s so nice to be surrounded by people who get our ironic, obnoxious, sarcastic and rude sense of humour. The only personality change we have to do in England is that we speak English instead of Norwegian. And we are very happy that the world language is the language originally spoken by the people who managed to turn Jordvik (a word with 4 sounding consonants and 2 sounding vocals) into something that sounds like a burp: York. Anybody can learn English!